http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/none/all-dogs-go-to-heaven-church-sign-debate-funny-512895/

Firstly, some correct translations:

Why – 為什麼
What – 什麼
When – 什麼時候
Where – 哪裡
How – 怎樣

English to Chinese

How are you?
怎麼是你?

How old are you?
怎麼老是你?

What’s your father? (as in what’s his job/occupation)
你爸爸是什麼東西?

running nose (流鼻水) – 在跑的鼻子

Chinese to English:

馬馬虎虎 – horse horse tiger tiger
七手八腳 – 7 hands 8 feet

人之初， At the beginning of life,
性本善。 sex is good.
性相近， Basically, sex is nearly all the same in nature.
習相遠。 But it depends on how the way you do it.
茍不教， If you do not practice all the time,
性乃遷。 sex will leave you.

教之道， During the way of learning it,
貴以專。 the successful key is to make love with only one person.
昔孟母， Previously, a great mother named Mrs. Mon
擇鄰處。 chose her neighbour to avoid bad sex influence.
子不學， She taught her son that “if you doesn’t study hard,
斷機杼。 your dick will become useless and broken.”
竇燕山， A famous person called Dou,
有義方。 owned a very effective exciting medicine.
教五子， All his five sons took it,
名俱揚。 then their sexual ability became well-known.
養不教， If anyone who have children but they don’t know how to do it,
父之過。 it is all the father’s fault.
教不嚴， If they have lots of problems in doing it,
師之惰。 their teacher must be too lazy in telling them the details on sex.
子不學， If you refuse to learn sex,
非所宜。 that should be a big mistake.
幼不學， If you don’t learn it in childhood,
老何為。 you will lose your ability when aged.
玉不琢， If you don’t exercise your dick,
不成器。 it won’t become hard and strong.
人不學， People who don’t learn sex,
不知義。 their life will become meaningless.

眼前, 大路小徑蹤橫交錯, 如一張令人迷惘的網.
人人都得走過這張網.
一位智者和一位愚者走到了這張網跟前.

智者灣下養尊處優的身子, 顯出頗有教養的神情, 從容不迫地理起網來. 他要找出一條路, 走過那張迷人的網.
愚者停下腳步, 四下打量權衡之後, 果敢地跨出腳步, 向那張網走去. 他要踩著那張網, 朝著自己的目標, 走出自己的路.

多少時間過去了.
愚者已衣衫破爛, 身上帶著血痕, 那張網卻已在他的背後. 由於踏出了一條新的帶血的路, 那張錯綜的網更顯得錯綜. 駐足回眸, 他如行者從容地整理著自己的衣衫, 又準備踏上新的旅程一盡管路上不滿荊棘.
智者仍在那張網中小心翼翼地理著, 在尋覓著別人走過的路.

走到湖邊, 賢人毫不猶豫地跨進湖裡, 向湖的深處走去; 年輕人無奈, 只好跟隨在賢人後面.
湖漸漸深起來, 水浸沒到年輕人的脖子, 可是賢人毫不介意年輕人那恐怖的目光, 走得更遠了. 水終於浸沒了年輕人的頭頂. 不久, 賢人又默默地轉回身, 回到湖岸邊.

上岸後, 這位賢人用揶揄的口吻問年輕人: “潛入水下時, 你有何感覺? 除了想上岸之外, 還考慮別的事嗎?” 年輕人立即答道: “我只想得到空氣.”
賢人慢慢地訓諭道: “正是如此啊! 要想求得智慧, 就要像沉入水下時想得到空氣一樣強烈, 才能狀得啊.”